Happy Mother's Day, Mom

I only had you for 23 years. 23 birthdays, Christmas', Mother's Days. I know I told you a thousand times that I loved you. We shared private jokes. I understood you and you understood me. Probably more than I acknowledged or realized at the time. We laughed, we cried, we argued, we prayed. We shared happiness, worry, fear, shame, joy, boredom, soap operas, m&m's, mmmm velvet, knowledge spoken and unspoken, stories, memories, hopes and dreams. I ran from you. I ran to you. I hated your nosiness, but longed for you to know what was going on with me. Thought you were stupid, but wanted your expert opinion on boys, money, life in general.
In the 12 years I've spent without you, I've really come to understand on a much deeper level who you really were. Especially in the past 3 years. Being a mother myself opened up a whole new can of worms. I see you more clearly now. A woman who loved deeply. With her whole heart and more. A woman who wanted to give me the world, but couldn't and it broke your heart. A woman who wanted to teach me to do things differently than she did, but didn't know how. A woman whose heart broke everytime her child grew more and more independent. First from fear of losing that child, then from fear of not giving the child what she needed to survive in this world. A complex woman who didn't always know how to express her hurts, wants, fears, expectations. Who was afraid of reaching for the unreachable for fear of failing. A woman who wanted it all but didn't know how to juggle it all. Didn't know how to have time for herself while giving her family the things they needed. A woman who sacrificed her own dreams while watching the dreams of her children become fulfilled. Yes, a woman who loved with her whole heart.

I know these things, because I am that woman now.

I want to tell you my fears and hear your advice on how it will all work out if I put God first and family second. Because what really matters after those things? I wanted to see your face when I said I was pregnant that first time because I know how shocked you would have been to see your little drifter settling down. I know how happy it would have made you to hold your first grandson. I want to hear that laugh when I call and tell you that Laine keeps telling me "no" and Jackson keeps eating the newspaper. I want to see the pride in your eyes when you are telling your friends about my family. I want to feel the safety of your warm hugs and hear you say "Girl, baby!" But most of all I want to say I'm sorry for being such a difficult child. For not giving you enough credit where credit was due. And I want to let you know that if I'm half the mom to my boys as you were to me, then they will be loved beyond measure. I appreciate all you did for me, all you sacrificed, all you taught, all you soothed, all you loved for me.

I miss you so much. I love you, Mom.

2 Words

Someone asked why I haven't posted beach pictures yet. I have 2 words for you:

Digital and Budget.

I have not gone digital therefore I have to get pictures developed then placed on a disk so I can upload and post in my spare time.

I have not gotten my pictures developed yet because of the new budget in place with my new part time job. The one that allows me so much more spare time.

Don't worry, I dropped them off today so sometime next month you will get to see the good times had at the beach.

Laine asks me daily, "can we go to the beach house and play in the sand".

He has no idea how much I want to jump in the car and go. Someday soon, little buddy. Someday soon.

Happy Birthday Jackson!!!

I'm so behind on posting pictures, updates and thoughts. I do have a lot to share. Now that I'm part time, expect more updates. And if you don't find them....e-mail me and tell me to get to it.

These photos are actually a few weeks before his actual b-day when we were visiting Colby's family in Seattle. As you can see....the cake was a total hit. He is his mother's son, after all.

Beach Time!!

I love the beach. I love the sand, the sea, the smells, the sun....It's safe to say I'm a beach girl. So I'm excited to be leaving tomorrow for a week at one of my favorite beaches. I've been packing for almost two hours now. Things that used to take me no time at all have taken way longer than I deem necessary. Let's blame that on the kids. I mean...seriously. This is how I packed for the beach 10 years ago....



And this is what I've got so far....and I'm positive I'm forgetting something.....




Something tells me I won't get to drink Fuzzy Navels before noon and read trashy romance novels either. Oh well...these faces are worth it......






Wouldn't you agree?


PS...Be thankful I didn't show you the bathing suit comparison.

Apples of my eyes...

Obedience

It's something we want our children to learn. But how can they when we aren't living in obedience to our Heavenly Father?

Too deep for you??? Well that's where I've been the last month or so. Truth be known, it has probably been longer than that. I've felt the pull of God's hand guiding me down a path that I have been very resistant to. And I don't mean just a little whiny, "no, I don't wanna do it". I mean kicking and screaming and crying and 2 yr old tantrum type "I don't want to do it!!!!" When you look at the big picture (which is God's view...one that He wants us to consider daily but we can't seem to do so when we are constantly looking inward) it's really not that big of a deal. It's something that I will adjust to and most likely will be in the best interest of my physical, mental, and emotional health. Not to mention the positive effects it will have on my relationship with my husband and children.

Got you curious?

God wants me to go part time. Which means giving up my travel contracting and taking a huge pay cut to work only 16 hours a week. On paper, I have no idea how we will meet our monthly obligations. Most of you are screaming at me now wondering what my problem is. I'm sure many of you would love to be part time and be at home more with your family. Well my problem is pride and control. Two areas that God has been trying to transform in me and I've been very hard headed and stubborn. It is so hard for me to release the reigns on my finances. I've depended on me and me only since I was around 16 years old. To give that up and have to trust another human being with that makes me shudder with vulnerability. Who likes to be vulnerable? Well apparently, not me. But I am reminded again and again that it's in our weakness, He is made strong.

Dear Lord, Forgive my stubbornness, my pride and my control issues. You know how difficult this is for me. Bless my obedience as only you can. May your light shine through this situation that others may see your hand in my life. Forgive me for not believing that you will carry us through. Thank you......

Jackson's 9 month photos

While you are waiting to hear about my vacation, enjoy some gorgeous photos of Jackson's 9 month photo session. Photography by Tammy Leker.









Don't you want to eat him up????